


the nightmare of healing / a real future

by deveil



Series: Kandreil For When I Am Sad (which is often) [2]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst, Cuddles, M/M, Multi, Nightmares, Post-TKM, depending on who you are but yeah, i said it's kandreil but it's mostly kevneil l mao, mildly disturbing maybe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-14 14:27:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28922067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deveil/pseuds/deveil
Summary: poor neil has nightmares and kevin's there to help him
Relationships: Kevin Day/Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Series: Kandreil For When I Am Sad (which is often) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1987342
Comments: 2
Kudos: 52





	the nightmare of healing / a real future

**Author's Note:**

> "Strange, I thought, how you can be living your dreams and your nightmares at the very same time." -Hollow City, Ransom Riggs

Neil was alone. There was no Andrew, there was no Kevin. There was only him and Riko and his father and Lola and everyone that had hurt him before, and although there were people, so many that he felt boxed in by their heavy presence, he had never felt more alone. 

“Nathaniel,” Riko said, his eyes shadowed and his smile menacing.

“Nathaniel,” his father said, his bright blue eyes gleaming as bright as the knife in his hand.

“Nathaniel,” his mother said, and even though that was not his name, even though he could  _ feel  _ her heavy fists on his body, he reached for her, the only semblance of safety in this dark place. She reached for him too, her hands growing closer and closer until they wrapped around his neck and began to squeeze, and as Neil began to choke for air, the ghosts disappeared one by one until all that was left was her, and then she disappeared too.

Neil opened his eyes.  _ It wasn’t real _ , he told himself. But even if it wasn’t real, even if it was a memory twisted until it was almost unrecognizable, it didn’t stop that old fear from filling him up all over again.

He rolled over to peer into Kevin’s bunk, but the bed was empty. Andrew wasn’t in the bunk across from his either. He climbed down carefully and patted their pillows. They were cold.

A cold trickle of fear raised the hair on Neil’s neck. He made his way to the living room slowly, and stopped. Riko stood by the television, his back to Neil. He appeared to be rifling through their bookshelf. 

Neil bit the inside of his cheek and swallowed the brief tang of blood. This couldn’t be happening. Riko was  _ dead _ . Riko was lying six feet under with his eyes and mouth filled with dirt and a bullet hole in his head. Riko could not be standing in his living room, looking for a book to read.

And yet he could. Despite all the evidence pointing to the impossibility of Riko’s appearance, Neil couldn’t deny that the man standing at his and Andrew’s and Kevin’s bookshelf was Riko Moriyama. 

Riko turned as if sensing Neil’s presence. Neil took an involuntary step back. Riko’s eyes were black as coal, and the bullet wound in his forehead gaped wetly at Neil like a child’s mouth. Riko smiled as if greeting an old friend. As if a hole hadn’t been blown into his head. “Nathaniel. It’s been a while.”

Neil shook his head once, and then shook it again. “That isn’t my name. That’s not my name. And you’re not real.”

Riko smiled and took a step towards Neil. “That’s not a very nice thing to say. What say I teach you a lesson?”

Neil stood his ground, even though every fibre of his being screamed for him to run. “You’re dead.”

“I’m not dead,” Riko said, mock surprise twisting his face. “Are you sure you aren’t talking about Kevin?”

Kevin’s empty bunk flashed through Neil’s mind. And the memories didn’t stop there. He saw Kevin’s eyes, filled with fear and pain. He saw Kevin at the banquet, surrounded by ravens. He saw Riko gripping Kevin’s wrist, his stance saying  _ mine mine mine _ . He saw the back of Kevin’s head as Kevin went back into the Nest during Christmas instead of Neil, and he saw himself, waiting anxiously at the airport gate, for a man that would never come back. 

Neil batted away the memories—were they memories? Were they even real?—and said, “Kevin’s safe,” but his voice held no conviction, and if anyone else were to speak as Neil had just spoken, Neil would laugh in their face and tell them that lying was not their strong suit. 

“And what about Andrew?” Riko asked, his black eyes taunting. “He’s gone too, Nathaniel. He’s had enough of you, I think. Every man has a limit, and he hit his with you.”

Neil was small, but he had never felt more small than he did when told by a dead man that he was never going to be enough. “Stop,” he whispered. Riko was a horrible car accident, ugly and awful, but there was truth, and there was fear for that truth: that there are things that humans can’t control. And Neil couldn’t look away.

“Nathaniel,” Riko whispered, except it wasn’t Riko anymore. “You are worthless,” his father hissed. “You are worthless, and you are alone, and there is nothing you can do to change that.”

Fingers wrapped around Neil’s wrist and he flinched, heart hammering. His mother stood behind him, her eyes wide, and Neil was drowning in her fear. “You have to hide, Nathaniel. You can’t be you. You have to  _ hide _ .” And then she was gone, and his father was gone too, and Neil was, once again, alone. Shadows wrapped around his arms and legs and he trashed desperately, calling for someone, Andrew, Kevin, anyone, but he was alone, he was no one, he was nothing, he was  _ drowning _ —

And then there were strong hands gripping his shoulders and the shadows became twisted, sweaty sheets, and Neil was staring into a pair of bright green eyes wide with fear and something else—understanding. Neil twisted his fingers into Kevin’s hair to make sure he was real and pressed their foreheads together. Kevin’s fingers brushed the back of Neil’s neck. “Nightmares?”

Neil couldn’t speak. He could only nod. Fragments of the dream swirled through his mind, sharp and cutting, and Neil bit the inside of his cheek to distract himself from the whirlwind of terror that rose in his chest. Neil stared at Kevin, and Kevin stared back, and they sat that way for what felt like days as Neil rode the waves of grief and fear and shock. Finally, Neil closed his eyes and withdrew from Kevin, and Kevin sat back on his heels. “That bad?”

“That bad.’ Neil’s voice was raspy, and he touched his throat briefly. It felt swollen and dry when he swallowed, as if he had cried and cried and only stopped when no more tears would come. “Where’s Andrew?”

Kevin shifted his weight and shoved the soaked sheets onto the floor below. “Getting tea. Apparently he doesn’t think I’m responsible enough to remember.”

Neil, as exhausted as he was, half-smiled at the mention of Kevin’s goldfish-attention span. “You’d get distracted by a speck of dust if Andrew and I weren’t around.”

Kevin made a face, but Neil heard no denial and could only assume that Kevin’s self-awareness had gotten the better of him.

They settled against the wall together, Neil leaning his head against Kevin’s shoulder and Kevin wrapping a protective arm around his waist and, to Neil’s surprise, twining the fingers of his left hands with Neil’s. Neil brushed his thumb against the back of Kevin’s hand. “You know,” he said, “they’re dead.” He knew he didn’t have to specify who he was talking about. Kevin knew. Kevin always knew. “But sometimes it feels like that doesn’t matter.”

Kevin nodded, and Neil felt his cheek against his hair. “Death wasn’t enough to get them out of our lives, huh?”

Neil laughed a little even though nothing was funny, and squeezed Kevin’s hand to let him know he wasn’t laughing at him. Kevin’s way of looking at the world was clear, if a little cynical, and his lack of fear when saying things he meant was so admirable and endearing that Neil felt a small pull in his chest. 

People were awful and cruel, and Neil knew this. But sometimes, when Andrew would smile and Kevin would laugh, Neil couldn’t help but think that maybe, just maybe, there was a future for them. A future with real names and trust and boundaries; a future where the past didn’t try to drag them under every night. 

And here, wrapped up in Kevin, with Andrew driving back with teas of every variety, Neil allowed himself to enjoy this little bit of happiness. 

**Author's Note:**

> heyy thank u for reading this ! ngl this wasn't one of my best works but life is kicking my ass rn and i thought just writing something would make me feel better so here we are :)  
> also ! if u have ideas for kandreil one shots message me @andreilskeys on insta or @andreils-keys on tumblr bc i kinda miss writing these kids :.)


End file.
